A kitten is licking my face.
My eyes aren't open yet, but I know it's morning. I also know it's
going to be a bad brain day.
Hold perfectly still, don't move, don't
twitch, wake up slowly, take stock of every sensation. My mind is
screaming, but, apart from a snoring husband, the giant cat sleeping
between us, and the tiny face-licker, nobody else is here... nothing threatening, anyway...
It's safe to move. Move slowly. I stretch. Giant
sleeping cat stretches, too, and snuggles further into me.
Does he
know it's a bad brain day? Can he feel, maybe smell, the chemicals
that nature already released inside my skull? Is that why he's here?
Not important right now. Open your eyes, dammit. Breathe deeply.
You're stronger than your biochemistry. Ask yourself, “What do I
have to do today?”
Not fail. Not completely fail. At Life.The devil pulls
the chair out from my drawing table and sits down. He looks pretty
comfortable.
“Just here to help,” he says “You're
planning out your day, and that's being productive, healthy and
functional. My friend, you're trying to take control of that brain
before it takes a hold of you. So, what would you say 'not fail'
includes?”
Rectify all of my past wrongs, accomplish everything today that I
need to accomplish, and anticipate everything that could go wrong in
the future so that nothing ever will. Today. By the end of today.
Yes, that's what the world would expect.
The Devil slowly lights a cigarette. “What if you fail at this,
too?”
My brain shudders like it's been hit by a blast~wave, and I close
my eyes.
Of course I'll fail at this... but my mind is on fire, and
there is no sense of reason. All I know is that I
have to fix
everything in the world, today, right now, and, dammit, it's just not
possible.
I never want to open my eyes again.
I keep my eyes closed, but it's too late. The other fuzzballs
have seen movement. They know they can play with me, and, with
feline-single-mindedness, attack my face in licking and purring.
Do
they know it's a bad brain day? Could they tell before I opened my
eyes, like I could?
They're still licking my face. I can't concentrate on anything
else. This is perfect, since the Devil hates to be ignored.
(Pride...)
Focus on the kittens, you can do this. Nothing else
really matters right now. This is pure joy. Know that even if you
feel that you've failed everybody else in the entire world, you saved
the lives of each of these tiny fuzzballs, and watched them grow into
beautiful young cats who see you as the source of all love and safety
in the world.
You. Yes, you, right now.
Gently displacing kittens, I sat up and put my feet on the floor.
Lying in the muddle of the open doorway into the hall was my copy of
the Power of Now by Eckhardt Tolle.
I looked at the kittens, now jumping off of the bed and racing
each other to the door. They're known for moving stuff, but it's
usually hair-ties and favorite toys, not books. Besides, kittens
can't read. Pure coincidence. Coinci-Dance? Synchronicity? Does
it matter, if the message is good? Take what works, throw the rest
out.
The Power of Now is a favorite book, but maybe I
need to remind myself of the book's message; maybe read it again. I
can't atone for everything in the past, nor can I possibly anticipate
everything in the future. I can not possibly accomplish everything
that I would, ideally, want to accomplish, in one day. I can only
handle one day, and that's today, one moment at a time. I can handle
Now, and, right now, that's going downstairs and making sure these
little creatures have everything they need.
I'm the source of all love and safety in the world, remember? I've never failed them. They believe.
This is the power of unconditional love. While I may never
completely understand the science behind it, a pile of kittens is one
of the best tools in my toolbox for fighting a bad brain. A wise,
kind woman told me once, “If God is love, animals are angels.”
Yes, I just repelled the Devil with the power of kittens... The
anxiety and self-loathing that pulls us away from the unconditional
love in the heart of the universe was sent away because, right here,
right now, none of that matters. A stupid idea, if it works, isn't
stupid. Holy water? I suppose, from a certain point of view, all
life is mostly water. The most sacred holy water is the blood
flowing through a beating heart that lives because of you and loves
you completely. Purr on, little brothers and sisters. Lick my face
every morning for the rest of your life. You're a gift from something
greater than myself.